"SO MUCH FOR INITIATIVE."
KYLE: troubled teenager
MIKE: advice-giving friend
HOSTESS: a hostess
WAITRESS: a waitress
(lights up in an empty booth of a big, family oriented restaurant. a dull buzz of chatter and clinking kitchenware can be heard.
ENTER KYLE and MIKE, guided by a HOSTESS.)
HOSTESS: Here you are. A server will be with you in just a second.
KYLE: Thanks.
MIKE: Thank you.
(the HOSTESS hands them menus, and MIKE checks her out as she walks away.)
MIKE: Mmm. Hot.
KYLE: I guess.
MIKE: What?
KYLE: What?
MIKE: Kyle, she was hot!
KYLE: "Yeah," I said.
MIKE: You said you "guess."
KYLE: Right, I guess.
MIKE: Whatever.
KYLE: Okay, then.
MIKE: What's your problem?
KYLE: Nothing?
MIKE: Okay, then.
(they look over their menus.
after some silence:)
MIKE: What're you getting?
KYLE: I don't know. I'm not hungry.
MIKE: (slamming his menu down.) What? What the hell, man?
KYLE: I don't know, Mike. I'm just not that hungry.
MIKE: What are we doing here, then?
KYLE: I don't know. It's Friday. You wanted to go out
MIKE: Fuck you! You said you wanted to get Applebee's. Don't put it on me.
KYLE: Whatever.
MIKE: Shit, man. (sarcastically) Sorry for dragging you out.
KYLE: I'll forgive you.
(pause. KYLE is looking in the menu. MIKE is staring at KYLE.)
MIKE: Do you just wanna go?
KYLE: I don't know, I guess. Yeah.
(pause)
MIKE: Fuck you. I'm getting wings.
KYLE: Alright, then.
MIKE: You can starve.
KYLE: I'm not even hungry.
MIKE: Whatever, dude. You're being a bitch.
(ENTER WAITRESS, she walks up with a pen and a pad ready. She speaks fast.)
WAITRESS: Hey guys I'm Jenny and I'll be helping you two tonight what can I get for you two to drink?
MIKE: I'll have a sprite.
KYLE: I'll have a water.
JENNY: (while scribbling) Alright are we ready to order or do you's need more time?
MIKE: We're ready.
KYLE: No, uhh, can we have one more minute?
JENNY: Sure thing I'll be back with your drinks in a second.
(EXIT JENNY)
MIKE: What the hell, dude?
KYLE: What?
MIKE: You said you weren't hungry.
KYLE: Well, I am now.
(pause. KYLE continues looking over the menu.)
MIKE: Alright, what's your problem? Seriously?
KYLE: Dude, there's nothing.
MIKE: Dude, what is it?
KYLE: It's nothing, man.
MIKE: So there's something?
KYLE: What? No, I said there's nothing.
MIKE: No, you said "IT'S nothing." Which means there's something.
KYLE: Whatever.
MIKE: Well, what is it?
KYLE: Dude, fuck off, it's nothing.
MIKE: Fine. Fuck you. Baby.
(pause)
MIKE: Well, what're you getting?
KYLE: (interrupting) It's Sheri, dude.
MIKE: What? Who?
KYLE: Sheri. Sheri Healey.
MIKE: Who the hell is that?
KYLE: A girl. She's cute as fuck.
MIKE: Who is she?
KYLE: I don't know, this girl I like, dude. She works at Pizza Hut. Short, dark hair. Boobs. Nice ass. I don't know, dude. You'd know her if you've seen her.
MIKE: Sounds hot.
KYLE: She is. She's really nice, too. Not a bitch. She's really funny.
MIKE: So you talk to her?
KYLE: Sometimes, yeah.
MIKE: Got her number?
KYLE: Yeah, I've got it.
MIKE: Fucking hit that.
KYLE: Shut up, dude.
MIKE: What?
KYLE: It's not like that. She's a nice girl, dude.
MIKE: So? What the hell?
KYLE: You're a dick. I don't want to fuck her.
MIKE: No? So then, she's not hot? I don't follow you.
KYLE: No, I mean, I want to, but, like, I don't know, it's different.
MIKE: You're talking like a fag.
KYLE: Fuck you, dude. I want to fuck her, alright? But it's different. I don't JUST want to fuck her. Yeah, that's it. There's more to it than that, alright?
MIKE: (contemplates what KYLE says, can't seem to understand it.) Alright, I guess I get you.
KYLE: You're an idiot, dude.
MIKE: No, I'm not. You're just weird, man. What's the problem, then? What's your deal?
KYLE: I don't know, dude. It's hard to say. It's like -----
(ENTER JENNY again, pen and pad ready.)
JENNY: You's all set?
MIKE: Yeah, we're set.
KYLE: Yeah.
JENNY: Alright what can I getcha's?
MIKE: Can I get boneless buffalo wings, classic, with extra blue-cheese?
JENNY: Sure can. What about you?
KYLE: I'm gonna have an order mozzarella sticks.
JENNY: Alright I'll put those right in for you's.
KYLE: Thanks.
MKE: Thank you.
(JENNY grabs the menus and walks away. MIKE checks her out.)
MIKE: She's hot, too.
KYLE: Yeah.
MIKE: Alright, so, what?
KYLE: What?
MIKE: About this chick, Sheri? What's your deal?
KYLE: I don't know, dude. It's weird.
MIKE: You're weird. Just tell me what's up.
KYLE: I just don't get her.
MIKE: What's there to get? She's a hot chick. Go for it. Bang her.
KYLE: Dude, come on.
MIKE: Alright, alright. I'm just messing. Not really, but whatever.
KYLE: I just can't tell if she's into me. She's fucking weird sometimes.
MIKE: Who cares if she's into you? Girls don't need to be into you to sleep with you. You need alcohol. That's how they work. You don't have to be good-looking to get a piece of ass. Look at me, dude. I'm ugly. But throw a couple of beers in a chick and I'm Brad fucking Pitt.
KYLE: What the hell, man? I said I'm not looking for that. Not this time.
MIKE: I know, I know. I'm just kidding around. I mean, not really, but if you're looking for something else, then I'll try to help.
KYLE: Alright.
MIKE: Alright, so what? She with some other dude?
KYLE: I don't know, I don't think so. But I know she's got guys after her. She's hot, dude. And nice. And funny.
MIKE: Alright, well, you've got to beat them to the punch.
KYLE: What?
MIKE: You've got to step-up, dude. You're not going to know if she's into you or not if you don't step your game up.
KYLE: Alright.
MIKE: Like, you're a cool dude. You're funny, sometimes. I'm gonna guess and say you're good-looking to girls. You're nice. Too nice, probably. But she's not going to know any of this if you don't show her. You get me?
KYLE: Yeah, yeah. I get you.
MIKE: Look, all joking aside. A girl likes a guy with initiative. If you're a wimp, you won't make it. If you wait, you won't make it. You've got to be aggressive. Show her you like her, or whatever.
KYLE: Right.
MIKE: You can't wait around and expect things to happen on their own. Suck it up, take aim, and take charge, dude.
KYLE: Alright, alright.
MIKE: Initiative, man. It all boils down to initiative. Take the initiative.
KYLE: I guess you're right.
MIKE: I am, dude. How often do you guys talk?
KYLE: I don't know. Whenever I see her. Or whenever I text her.
MIKE: Have you called her?
KYLE: Yeah, once. I don't know, I just felt like I was bothering her.
MIKE: Did you ask her out or anything?
KYLE: No, dude.
MIKE: Dude, why? She probably thinks you're a weirdo now. How long did you guys talk for?
KYLE: I don't know, like 15 minutes. She had to go or something.
MIKE: Did she tell you to give her a call some other time or something?
KYLE: I don't know, dude.
MIKE: Dude, did she?
KYLE: Yeah, but I don't know, man. She's not into me. She didn't have to go, she just didn't want to talk. I know it. I'm not fucking stupid.
MIKE: Yes, you are, man! You're an idiot! Fucking call her again. Don't be a bitch. Ask her out. You like this chick, right?
KYLE: Yeah.
MIKE: You want to be with her, right?
KYLE: Yeah.
MIKE: You want to be ON her, right?
KYLE: Dude, come on.
MIKE: Alright, alright, I'll stop. But initiative, man. I'm telling you. Call her.
KYLE: Alright, dude, I will.
(pause)
MIKE: (sees somebody, squints.) Ouch. Hot, dude.
KYLE: Who?
MIKE: Girl who just walked in. By the door. With the meathead next to her.
KYLE: (looks over his shoulder, sees her, then ducks back down.) Fuck, dude.
MIKE: What?
KYLE: That's her, man. That's Sheri.
MIKE: What? (laughs) No way, man.
KYLE: It is, dude. It's her.
MIKE: (continues laughing) Weird, dude. What're the chances? She's hot as hell, man.
KYLE: I know, dude. What the hell? Weird.
MIKE: It is. Now do what you gotta do.
KYLE: What?
MIKE: What do you mean, what?
KYLE: What the fuck do I have to do? What are you talking about?
MIKE: Fucking go say something! Say "Hey!"
KYLE: No way, man! Get out of here!
MIKE: Dude, don't be a little bitch. We just got done talking about this. Initiative. Get of your whiny little comfort zone and do something.
KYLE: Dude, I'm not. She's with a fucking dude. A big one.
MIKE: So? What's he going to do? We're in a fucking restaurant. Act like you're going to the bathroom, then you happen to see her, and detour. Say "Hey," make small talk, and leave. Get her thinking about you while she's out with this other tool.
KYLE: I don't know, man.
MIKE: I do. Just do it.
KYLE: I'm not doing it.
MIKE: Oh my god, man. You do it, I pay for your mozzarella sticks.
KYLE: Yeah, right.
MIKE: I will. It's after 10. Appetizers are half price.
KYLE: This is crazy.
MIKE: You're crazy if you don't do it. Just go. Now. Go. Go. Go. Initiative, man. Initiative.
KYLE: Fuck, man. Alright, alright. But just because I have to take a piss. And you're paying for my fucking food.
MIKE: I'll be watching. Go!
KYLE: This is so stupid.
(KYLE walks off-stage. MIKE waits, watching. While KYLE is gone, JENNY brings their mozzarella sticks and buffalo wings.
MIKE: Thanks.
MIKE starts to eat. After some time, you can hear KYLE talking, still offstage)
KYLE: Oh, hey! Sheri! ---- Yeah, weird! ---- Yeah, I'm out with my friend Mike. ---- Yeah, (laughs), can't beat half-price appetizers! ---- Yeah, it's the best. ---- Alright, well, I'll leave you two alone. ---- Yeah. Okay. Well, I'll give you a call sometime. ----
(offstage, quickly, a chair is heard being slid back. a punch is heard, and KYLE moans. onstage, MIKE looks up. his jaw drops.)
KYLE: Ah, fuck. (nervously) Alright. Well, uh, ouch. See you guys later.
ENTER KYLE again. he sits down, slouches, holding his mouth. MIKE stares.
KYLE: So much for initiative, you asshole.
MIKE: Dude, what the fuck happened?
KYLE: I got decked in the teeth by her fucking boyfriend. That's what happened.
MIKE: Dude, sorry.
KYLE: Dude, shut up.
(KYLE tries to eat. Moans. lights down).
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